Wash Away Us All – Ch. 25

“I should preface it with some background information. It won’t make sense out of context.”

“Ok, hit me with it.” Glory sipped her Hofbrau. Glory was interested in me but why? I was worthless. It made me frightened and excited at the same time. She had to be defective. I wanted things to be different with Glory. I wanted to be able to be myself, unguarded and open, but that wasn’t possible. I could never allow that.  

“I have been pretty unhappy for quite some time. I haven’t really admitted that to anyone but I suppose anyone who knew me didn’t need for me to say it outloud. I’m not happy. My father would always say that he was disgusted with life, and I guess, I understand him better now. I’m not trying to be a complainer or anything. I just haven’t done anything with my life and I’m stuck in the past a lot, even though I don’t want to be. I feel like nothing is going to happen. I will never achieve anything, or make any progress, and that scares me. I just heard myself and that sounds awful.” 

“I don’t think you’re alone. I understand how you feel. The only thing I ever wanted to do was be an actress and I never go on auditions because it terrifies me. I think you’re the type of person who is very hard on yourself. What does this have to do with your black eye?”

“Getting on with it. A few months back I went to the bar. It’s down the street. I was there with some of my best friends, people I love more than anything, people I’d do anything for, and everything was fine. I was fine. And then I wasn’t. I heard myself say things I had said a million times. It just clicked. None of the things I said I was going to do were ever getting done. I’d never graduate. I’d never finish that book and forget about getting published. It sounded rehearsed and empty. I was full of shit. I was sick of talking. I was sick of having the same conversation. I always wanted to run away but couldn’t leave so I removed myself from pretty much everything and everyone.”

“Why can’t you leave?”

“It’s easier said than done. I didn’t want to abandon my sister.”

“It’s not really abandoning, is it? Wouldn’t she want you to do what you want? Where would you go?”

“Maybe go work on a farm in Europe. I don’t know. Maybe Ireland or Scotland or Germany.”

“I’d go to any of those places. We don’t have a full fledged farm but we have a few chickens and a garden. You could move in with my family. My mom would love you but my father might bury you out back.”

“Moving in together might be rushing it at this point.”

“I wouldn’t be there.”

“I see.”

“Just Merrick and Me hanging out. Anyway, I made a decision and I cut myself off and focused on school and writing and trying less emotionally erractic.”

“But you talk to your sister.”

“Catherine. Yeah, but not so much. She is pretty worried about me but she shouldn’t be. She’s the only person I see regularly but then again we share an apartment. I don’t answer my phone. I don’t go anywhere in the neighborhood except for our apartment. It’s no easy feat avoiding people in this hood. And that was what happened. I ran into my friend Edith, and she’s happy to see me and I’m trying to keep it moving. ‘What’s wrong?’ she says. Something has to be wrong. I said nothing. She wants to grab a drink and talk and I say, no. I blame it on work. I’m tired. I have to get up early in the morning. You know this, that and the other thing.”

“Were you two together?”

“Edith. No. just great friends since we were little. She is mad at the way I’m behaving. Like a stranger. And I said something that came across wrong. But honestly, I meant nothing malicious. She goes, ‘I want to punch you in your face right now.’ and I thought I deserved it, so I said, “One  shot.” I removed my glasses and she cocked back and let it rip. I thanked her and gave her a hug, told her I’d have that drink with her soon. I walked home and got in bed and thought about a lot of things that I don’t like to think about and cried myself to sleep.”

“You’re a gigantic baby.”

“I’m not sure if gigantic is precise.”

“How do you feel now?”

“Like right this minute?”

“Yeah.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “Emotionally, I’m a pendulum.” 

“Are you embarrassed to share this with me?”

“I’m always embarrassed of everything. But it’s fine. I don’t trust you. So you don’t get the full story which is even more embarrassing for me. My cat gets it all and you get parts. snippets.”

“That’s fair. I told you I have trust issues as well.”

“We’re perfect then.”

I quoted Chelsea Wolfe, whom I was pretty certain Glory wasn’t aware of. “We could be two straight lines in a crooked world.” We kissed a little and I would bet money that this was going to lead to nothing but disaster. 

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